It's been an interesting past couple of days for me, and a lot of people I think.

The news from Friday certainly didn't get any easier when I had to go to the Holocaust Museum on Saturday morning for a class trip. Urgh. Gooooood timing.

Anyway it was just another depressing thing that  I had to endure and it wasn't very fun at all. Good times in DC though, mostly on the bus and at dinner . . . we <3 James E. Young! Ya!

So my roomie got fish! MERGH! Oh well, they're cute enough and they don't smell. She got a little catfish and named it Sarah cause it's from the South and she thought it would make me happier about having fish . . . it did :-) She knows me toooooo well.

I stole a brick from Britton Plaza and wrote 3rd Floor BDMC on it . . . yessss. I <3 my brick! Haha. And we stole all the left over James Young posters haha good times. And Kristen lost her keys and Yasmin taught us the dance to Hava Nagila and it was a good time. Yes yes it was.

So all my classes for next semester have like 70 people signed up on the waiting list for them and they all only hold about 20 . . . yea, I'm not going to get ANY of my classes. Urgh.

*Sigh* I'm ready for Thanksgiving! Haha . . . only 16 days!! Andddddd 8 days till my birthday! w00t w00t!

Good times ahead.

Right now, good times will be had watching NASCAR. Let's go Jimmie!

current mood: indifferent

ugh, it is SO COLD in freakin' PA . . . whose idea was it to come to college here????
    . . . . . oh wait . . . . MINE.

anyway. whose idea was it for 3 papers to be due on monday?
whose idea was it to not turn the heat on in our dorms?
whose idea was it to give me a paper without a question?
whose idea was it to bring a bunch of random people on my hall!? (sorry im very protective of my hall haha)
whose idea was it for college to be hard??
whose idea was it to make showers a nescesity everyday?
whose idea was it to make brachs candy pumpkins so good?!
whose idea was it to give certain people the ability to speak???
whose idea was it to make people stupid and annoying?
whose idea was it to make me define nationalism?
whose idea was it to make this song so freakishly relavent to my life?
whose idea was it to make him SOOOOOOOO DEVILISHY GOODLOOKING?! o.m.g. so distracting . . .

those are my questions of the week. answers?

i <3 APO . . . so much fun! i decorated a pumpkin and ate yummy food and got to play with little kids . . . :) ya! good times

ive never been to michigan . . . i wonder what it's like there . . . hmm.

oh crap! i really really really REALLY thought that matt caler was here last night . . . i mean i got really close to this kid and i could have SWORN it was matt . . .  wierdddd. i guess im going to have to find out who it really was haha.

time for 3 papers all due on monday. w00t w00t

current mood: cold

do you ever just feel like it's all going to pieces around you? and that there is nothing you can do to stop it?

how about when you have no motivation at all and you just sit and stare at the page/computer/wall in front of you . . .

or when you feel like everything you do is the wrong thing

or how about when you feel like you're making progress but actually you're backtracking big time . . .

or how about when you feel like everyone will listen, but no one will really listen . . .

or when it all happens at the wrong time

or how about the feeling that you're neither here nor there . . . just stuck

those are all good feelings. don't you wish you had them?

anyway.

loudoun in 3 days!! cant waittttt! so excited to see everyone . . . ian, vanessa, biz, mark, jimmy, beth, kari, etc etc etc! ahh!

im trying to think of exciting things to say here, but honestly its been a rough 2.5 weeks . . . really rough to be honest. good things have happened to mind you, like "greg" the sloth going up on my door, getting a frostie, going swinging, getting a big!, eatting in general, catching up on laguna beach, taking a 2 hour nap today . . . counting the days till loudoun . . . etc but mostly things have been tough

i feel like im the only one who  is having trouble with this whole college thing . . .i still feel very attached to home and i feel like everyone else has completely severed their times with home. i feel like everyone has gone off the deep end and im the only one who is not drowning in the college pool. i mean yea, we can do "whatever we want n ow" but does that mean we should? i mean come ON people, just "because you can" is the worst excuse EVER. have a little self control, a little self respect. ive just been very emotinal lately. i miss what i had before . . . alllll spring of senior year was so great, i just want it back sometiems . . . and then other times, im having so much fun that i dont think about it at all . . . its been such a crazy emotional roller coaster . . . i mean i started this entry over an hour and a half ago but natalie, kristen and lizzy came in to bother me and keely and we had a great time just doing nothing and joking around . . . so im not saying that i have no friends or im  not having fun here, it's quite the contray, but i guess im saying that i'm having trouble balancing between what i had and what i have now. and i guess im doing it in a different way than other people who go crazy and drink and are ridiculous . . . i guess im getting the emotional backlash of it. i want to be here and i want to be here now, and i want to be back in april and may and june and i want to be there too . . . its so hard for me to just start over . . . im still so attached . .  and that doesnt mean that i want things to be EXACTLY the same but i want it all to be ok at least. i mean im not even on speaking terms right now with two people that i was super close with . . . one that's not even 5 minutes away from me right now . . . and the other, we were SO close . . . SO close, and now we cant talk becuase whenever we do, things get misconstruyed and now i feel completely disconnected . . . i guess what it comes down to is that i dont handle change well and i wish people would just be who they were 4 months ago . . . but people DO change and things DO change and i just need to get used to it. it's just hard. and it hurts.

i feel like im on the outside of a lot of uncontrollable situations looking in, and not being able to do a damned thing about what is happening. its a terrible feeling.

oh yea, 2 midterms on the same day is really cool too. ugh.

*do you remember when we were happy in a way that no one else could ever know?*

current mood: blank

Deep thoughts/reflections of the day

-everything tastes better when it comes out of a mug. everything.
-walking into/past conversations and getting to hear random tidbits about peoples lives is SO satisfying . . .
-it's very hard to be self-sufficient in college. i didn't know how hard it was to fold sheets with only one person.
-never leave all your laundry for to be done in one day . . . because then you have to wear your pjs to the library/dinner/the quarry. whoops . . . and then creepy "greg" comments on your fashion and that's just about the wierdest thing EVER! -it's amazing how much better one little piece of mail can make you feel
-grab 'n' go is the best thing ever invented/instituted by Dickinson College . . . its like grocery shopping! but w/out paying! *content sigh*
-sometimes pictures of friends and family not with only do more harm than good.
-i will never underestimate the joys of couches ever again.
-plastic ice cubes are so very nice
-dab is amazing! you know it.
-one way to feel like you have a living room/family room is to simply use your friends room as that space. thank you kristen & kate :)

speaking of . . . thats where im headed :) yesssss.

lovelovelove

current mood: content

mmmmm . . . i wish i was in Loudoun right now.

for some reason ive been having these waves of "I want to go home" wash over me the past day and a half. i really dont know why, but im having urges to go home. its not becuase im not happy or have no friends or anything (yes, i have friends) its just that i want to be in a place where im completely comfortable and not concerned about where i am or what im doing . . . just a different place . . . not the same area . . . humph. i dont know.

basically . . . i just want to get in my car and drive. drive to . . . Morven (sigh!), Atoka . . . Lauren's house! El Rancho! Food Lion! drive down some real dirt road and see the stars and get my car dirty and have it be quiet for once . . . *sigh*

i didn't think it was that much to ask to get a kind word or something about feeling like this . . . but apparently it was. yea. thanks for that.

i think one of the biggest things that i miss is having space other than my bed and my desk to spread out and be in. i mean yea, i have the library but other than that, to do work, i have to be here or at my bed. its not really that great honestly! i need more room! i need a change

*sigh*

oh, you know what else i miss??
  . . . the numbers on the the side of the keyboard at home on the desktop . . . i hate those numbers at the top!! i havent figured them out yet and it really bothers me. humph.

anyway. resolutions of the day
-not be on AIM when im working. bad.
-turn off the AIM messages about who is on and away and getting off and on . . . too distracting!!
-do my laundry ever tuesday, if needed.
-eat less fried food in the caf. more salads and such.
-eat less chocolate/candy in my room . . . generally just eat less
-go to the gym and get my little orientation thing done*
-go to the library more to work. its nice there sarah
-go to more club activities so more people can  be met.
-finsih that stupid book about/by dorothy day!!!!
-stop wasting massive amounts of time in kristen's room!! AHHH!!!

oh yes, and this . . .

i've decided that im just going to stop having faith in mankind. my level of faith is just going to drop, so therefore i wont be dissapointed as much. is that horrible?

yea, i thought so too.

current mood: meh

gosh . . . college makes you tired!
  you know it

ok, here are some thoughts of the week:

-people can find something wrong with everything. honestly, people. yes, nothing is perfect but why do you feel the need to point that out? if you want to go around digging for shit, you're going to get it. congratulations! geez.
-DAB is super addicting. i have used way too much of it.
-whoever said that Madagascar was a kids movie LIED! yep.
-kristen has awesome music on her computer.
-dance parties in 312 are the best way to pregame it! w00t w00t!
-haha our parents pay $40,000 for us to watch teen girl squad and the monkey. kinda sad. really great.
-my roomie is hilarious :-) she has a diamond belt buckle that says PRINCESS <3
-guys i need more green skittles! im all out!
-oh my gosh, peanut butter on graham crackers/rice cakes = best snack ever! im rediscovering the joys of PB
-everything really is a lot funnier at 2 am, regardless of whether youre drunk or not
-my hall is the best hall on campus! yayaya

ok those are all my thoughts right now. im not really motivated to write right now becuase im SO TIRED! alkajsdflkh;sdlkf. ok thats all for now . . . but i do have this last moment of advice . . .

~be as you are

take it to mean whateved youd like . . .

current mood: exhausted

might i just say this for now?

ugggghhhh you're just sooooo perfect and i can't stand it!!!!

that's all.

i went on a cleaning spree today and actually vaccumed and did laundry and silly things like that. boo.

oh, right, i have class. there will be more later, i have MUCH more to say.

*it aint me, it aint me*

current mood: drained

soooo 3rd floor BDMC rocks . . . all the girls + joey for daily dance parties! heck yes! room 307 rocks! it's where it's allll at! w00t w00t!

oh norah . . . you always do a number on my soul! i feel so introspective when i listen to you. yet, how can that be? how can i be introspective listening to someone else's words? it doesnt even matter, i love you! i wish i was more poetic, but i just tend to blab things out instead. i can nev really get across what i want/need to in a good way. it's more like . . . word vomit, if that makes sense. you, on the other hand, can just take what you're thinking and sing it out (or so it seems . . . im sure it's a much more involved process than that.) anyway, im jealous of you.

another thing about myself . . . i am the queen of mood swings! i mean come on, i already knew that, but geez! sometimes i take a step outside myself and look at what im doing or thinking or what i have done or was thikning . . . and geez. i hate myself sometimes. thats another thing . . . i cant figure myself out at all. i have no idea what i want from anything. i feel like im just kinda flitting from one thing to another most of the time. i feel like i find a focus and then suddenly i get bored with it . . . or sometimes i feel like no one else is into that, so i just give up on it . . . how ridiculous is that?  and then there are things out there that i truly love but i cant do here. i cant work at morven here and guide there. i cant do GGIG here and engage people with their area. i cant do a lot of things that i really want to here and that's kinda hard for me as well. i know im going to find things to do but i hold on so tightly to things that work for me that its hard sometimes for me to get going on new things.

thats another thing! i feel like i get really excited about the idea of some things, and then when it actually comes down to it . . . hmmm yea, im not so siked about it haha. i mean . . . i really want to help out at Project S.H.A.R.E., but am i really going to do it? i would really like to help but am i going to get up at 7 on a saturday morning to go over there and help? thats a good question. becuase i want to and i need to and i should, but . . . yeaaaa, that too.

mmmm im such a sucker for the past. that's dangerous as well. little things set me off. boo! i just need more distraction in my life. which i suppose i will be getting soon, when we move into the semester more :) yesss cant wait for that.

as for that other thing . . . hmmmmmm. argghh its so frustrating. one second its one thing, the next its something completely different. it's making me absolutely CRAZY!  i just have no idea! no freakin' idea. ohwell! such is life.

*im so tired . . . im so tired of trying*

current mood: tired

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints; the sinners are much more fun.  You know that only the good die young.
   you'll be sorry . . . you'll  be SORRY! ha ha ha
   dont patronize me boy. you'll be sorry you did . . . one of these days.
Well I guess I'm going to be the only one who dies at about . . . 30??? yea, 30 sounds about right.

i need to return books to the bookstore . . . humph. and then buy more. more humph.

observation of the day: when you dont want to seem sketchy, its more sketchy to not be upfront about it. that's all.

hahahahahahaha . . .  my floor cracks me up!!!!!!! we'll see how THIS works out . . .

i have to go spend more money. goodbyeeeeeee

current mood: happy

im so disgusting. you should see my desk. ew.

covered in . . .
-tissues (use and not)
-saltines
-icky cookies from the christian fellowship
-notebooks, ew
-empty waterbottles
-beads from a broken necklace
-DayQuil and other medicine
-my deodernat
-random pictures
-lots my jewelry
-clumps of sticky-tack
-lots of random change
-a non-working printer. cool
-my stressball!!
-my jade plant . . . what the heck?
-tons of sticky notes . . . my pathetic attempt to organize my life
-ooo a cute stapler with pink staples from the student activities people
-books for schoo. ha.
-lucys cell phone. whore :)
-a check i need to send my mom

im living in my own filth. welcome to college, right? icky icky icky

i have to do laundry tomorrow . . . im really scared about that.

ugh. being sick sucks. getting your period while youre sick sucks more. i think im going to go die

*life goes on . . . la la la life goes on*

current mood: blah

i swear, i'm never satisfied. ever. seriously, i say or think or want something one second, and as soon as things change from what they are that exact second, im not happy. i don't understand myself! at allllll

i don't understand why some things get to me SO much. why some little things that possibly (hopefully) meant nothing mean so much to me. or can actually ruin my day . . . things get me down so easily, it's hard to function sometimes.

i think part of the problem is that i dont know what i want out of this. one second i think one thing and the next im like oh my god why would i ever think that, why would i ever want that . . . and the next second . . . bam, back to square one. its frustrating as hell.

i guess what would really be nice was if things would just figure themselves out haha without me having to do ANYTHING. yea, that's going to happen.

*sigh* fix me? give me the answers? tell me the other side of the story? right.

this depressing music is not helping.

dont be mad at me :(

goodnight

current mood: a little bit of everything

thoughts about college

-the caf is just a silly place. sometimes its like trying to survive in a thirld world country where they just began to give out food, an other times its like . . . hey, we're the only ones here. want to sit at ALL the tables??
-classes are just silly sometimes. cause its like, hey im the prof and your life is going to be miserable . . . or, hey, im the prof and im going to manchester, englad tomorrow so we're not having class for a week. ok! bye!
-so much shit on my desk . . . i love it though!! its like my own little home :)
-hahahahahhaha halls of girls. what a joke. my hall is so cool. so many pirate hookers.
-i love how all my girls know people but people dont know them . . . we'll all talk about people and then be like, hey thats him/her! and then that person will get wierded out . . . :) awesomeeeeeeee
-relationships get so much more complicated in college. all types. friendship, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever whatever. it all gets more complicated. especially old ones. but . . . they only get better as well. i think these experiences will bind us together more than before. well i hope they do anyway.
-making yourself do laundry is so hard. its just sitting there, staring at me. wanting to be cleaned. but not getting cleaned.
-the lounge is soooo gross. but i like it there. thats something about college . . . it doesnt matter if things are gross or not, you honeslty just stop caring.
-soulmates are easy to find :)
-so much shit accumulates so quickly. hm.
-not having food in your room is a good thing.
-dont forget to wear shower shoes.
-stress balls rock.
-its easy to waste time. like this. so easy.
-computer problems are NOT easy to fix . . . hmmm
-learning a million peoples names in one day is just stupid. and kinda hard.
-oh yea, heres just some food for thought: dont laugh at people when theyre mad at you. by the way . . . its a-s-i-a-n.

thats all. more later. oh yea. you like it.

*SINCE YOU'VE BEEN GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CANT BREATHE FOR THE FIRST TIME . . . LALALALALALA*
     thats was for all my pirate hookers :) BYE

current mood: calm

college.

whoa.

mmm i dont even know what to say!

so many people, so many names, so little space, so much time, not enough time, so much to do, nothing to do, so many book, so little money . . . ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sensory overload in general but its pretty damn awesome. :-) totally loving it! woot.

k, shower, then ben. i mean bed hahahahahahaha ben! bye kids

*Somewhere across the sea . . .*

current mood: tired

so, facebook. and AIM. dangerous. beautiful. addictive. helpful. completely nesescary for survival. interesting reads. and yet . . . you'd be hard pressed to find two things (but more so AIM at this point) that could bring, in about the span of 10 minutes, but possibly less, such feelings of complete depise and elation so easily, quickly, everything. i could go on and on! all im saying is . . . one minute, you'll be having a conversation with someone who makes you want to cry and scream and never love again,simply because your little name popped up on their list and you were 'available for chat', and then the next . . . youre just giddy cause this other person is even talking to you . . . ahhhh such joy. such pain! such unneeded, completely stupid and silly emotion! brought on by something as silly and frivolous as facebook and AIM. the joys of being in the age of technology or whatever it's called these days ;)

it's all so dangerous! i mean we have all had stupid converstations on the internet that get completely blow out of perportion because you cant really emote emotion correctly over the internet, in Times New Roman font with little smilely faces or *sighs* and ::laughs::. its just all so silly. and we have all felt that sinking sadness when that one person that we've been waiting for signs on, or comes back from being away, and instead of hearing that encouraging little "BLING" you hear nothing, because they have not IMed you. they have not attempted to make contact with you over the vast miles of cyberspace. you, who have been sitting here on your uncomfortable little computer chair here no such "BLING" . . . and suddenly, your day is ruined. you are broken! you cant go on! all because they havent IMed you. all becuase they havent friended you yet on facebook, or messaged you, or changed your wall. you havent gotten a conformation email from them, no wall changing email either. oh, and of course the all important profile and away messsage. you want them to emit your true emotions of the moment, but you can never find the right quote at the right moment, or perhaps you want to put your true feelings out there, but you dont want them to misconstruyed by some amatuer profile/away message reader. theyre really quite dangerous, those away messages/profiles are. you never now what youre going to get. everyone has felt that nasty, 'i cannot believe you put that in your profile' feeling, right after a break up maybe. or, 'who is he/she talking about in that away message?' feeling. or the, 'should i click on that link the profile so i can read their journal cause i really want to know whats going on but i certainly just cant ask them or would that be stupid cuase then they will be bale to see that i clicked on it and i dont want them to know that i cared enough to click' feeling. or perhaps just the 'nobody is on' blues. simple, yet deadly. anyway. all im saying is, it seems so silly that something liek someone TYPING words to you from a million miles away, perhaps, can generate such feeligs of happiness or complete despair. hell, it doesnt even have to be the actual act of typing! it could be the LACK of typing, or the things typed for everyont to see, or the things NOT typed for everyone to see . . . or . . . or . . . the list goes on and on. its quite amazing. i suppoes we have al gore to blame for this, seeing as he DID invent the internet. anyway. i simply expericned things such as this this evening and i needed to share. you gotta give it props though, i mean honestly, where would we all be (as college students and regualr people) without facebook and AIM? nowhere folks. just nowhere.

*Let's say I get bucked off a bull and fall and hit my head
And then I get amnesia and forget the things you said
I lose my better judgement and I take up smoking crack
Right then, that's when
I'll take you back*

countdown till Dickinson - 4 days!!

had to say another goodbye today . . . to one of my favorites! *sigh* super hard, and sooo not getting easier!
   andddd i have to say goodbye to my job tomorrow! and then all of my coworkers on saturday night :( not looking forward to that. so not ready to say goodbye to those folks.

so not ready to say goodbye to p'ville, loudoun, the SOUTH (the confederacy, perhaps? haha) either . . . im so set in my ways here now, im so used to it, ive embraced it so . . . just not ready to start something new up north w/ all them damn yankees! no country music, no love for NASCAR (the greatest american sport known to man :-D ) and no conservatives! urgh! its going to be tough! ah well. crazy times ahead im sure.

isnt it wierd how youre so attached to someone at one point, then you dont care, and then one day it starts to mean something again??? gosh. i hate having emotions somtimes.

i need to go write my goodbye note to the best boss in the whole world now :(

im gonna miss it all . . .

*Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here*

current mood: giddy

"I know this: asking him to go into the woods was a wicked thing, wicked to him and wicked to myself."
       --Determined not to do anything wicked this year . . . determined!

It was the last day of college shopping . . . now it's packing time!

Countdown till Dickinson: 6 days!

Putting together all my pictures in my album from senior year today was so hard . . . soo crazy to think that all that happened in not even a full year . . . at some points, it seems like it was 100 years ago, and sometimes it feels like it didn't happen at all, and sometimes it feels like I'm still in midst of all of it. It really feels like college is never going to come, even though it is so close. It seems like one of those thing's that has just been talked about forever but will never actually happen . . . like all the crazy things you said you would do with your friends back in middle school, all the trips, the crazy things, everything. The things that naturually just don't happen. But this . . . it will happen . . . and in six days! Less for some people! And some are already there! Agh . . . can't even handle thinking about it yet, honestly! So much to do . . . so much to come to terms with as well. I like what a friend had in her facebook account . . . something along the lines of . . . don't have regrets, because at some point, that was what you wanted. I really liked that . . . I feel like I can have happy memories of the past, and how things were, and I'll be ok. I feel like that now anyway. Soo much to come to terms with. We shall see.

mmmm Laguna time . . . rerun! Yes . . . :)

Have to get up at 7 tomorrow for sub orientation! Awesome . . .

*Hungry eyes, Now I've got you in my sights . . .*

current mood: calm

*Every new beginning comes from some other beginnigs end*
. . . or so they say . . .

Everything is changing sooooo quickly. I just feel like I have no control over what is going on in my life right now and I hate that. Yes, I am a control freak . . . and this is not working for me. Anyway . . . Lauren is gone! Well, leaving tomorrow I guess, for Tech. Boooo. I don't even know what to say about THAT . . . all I know is that right now I'm beyond bummed about it. What am I going to DO withouth the person who knows me better than anyone, better than myself????

*My life is changing everyday, in every single way*

I guess I will keep this thing updated so I will remember what is going on in my college life later on! And so everyone else knows my comings and goings :)

countdown till Dickinson: 1 week.

goodbyes said: 1

goodbyes left to say: too many . . . including my family . . . *sigh*

things left to do: PACK! buy movies. find all cds and movies. buy books. pack books. find and pack all jewlery. go see people before they go. make peace with certain things before i go. see landon. write doug a card. write everyone at work a card. return all library books. call grandparents. make address book useful and complete. substitute orientation. take scenic pics of Loudoun. enojy my last week!

i LOVE free books and wireless mouses. yeeeeeep.

1 week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

current mood: blah